‘I, Boris Johnson, do solemnly declare the truth. Yes, I know this is a first’ | John Crace

How Boris Johnson might sum up the contents of his Partygate dossier

I, Boris Johnson, do solemnly declare that what is in my dossier – the dossier which is mine – shall be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. So help me God. Let’s hope there isn’t one. Or I’m a goner. Yes, I know this is a first and that I’ve told a lot of porkies in the past. But I really, really promise that what you’re getting from me this time is the truth as agreed with my advisers. Which might look like lies but are actually the highest form of truth. The truth of untruths. As two negatives equal a positive, so two lies equal the truth. Besides which, nobody thinks I’m a liar. Other than anyone who’s ever met me.

Misleading parliament. Although I accept I misled parliament, it is categorically untrue to say I misled parliament. As prime minister, I did my utmost to fulfil the solemn duty of office. Namely, to say and do anything necessary to save what passes for my reputation. And my job. So, the facts are this. I may once or twice – or again and again – have misled parliament about there being no parties or illegal gatherings in Downing St. But at no time did I ever do so deliberately.

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